Poison of Desire

In my life I have received so much

Even though I deserve so little

I have reaped the fields of good fortune

And tasted the sweet fruits of plenty.

Yet even in this life of mine that is so rich,

My selfish human heart desires something more.

Beyond the immediate earthly hunger,

Or momentary attention or admiration,

Far deeper than the shallow wants and wishes of today,

I desire a place of belonging that lasts until tomorrow.

To have a hand that finds my ever-wandering finger tips--

A soul that wants to intertwine with mine--

I long to desire that which is desired by many

And to have what I desire, desire me.

Selfish, stupid heart of mine,

Why do you beat for the one thing that has been denied?

When all else is at your feet?

Though all the good fruits be at your table,

You reach for the one fruit filled with Poison,

The very Poison that has the power to end you.

And though the stakes are high and the chances few,

I still find my soul searching for that piece.

My fear clouds my judgment.

If I ever found it, would I eventually resent it?

To finally reach a lifelong goal

Is surely filled with bitter as it is with sweet.

If I cannot even stand myself,

How shall I expect another to accept me?

It is too much to ask for, much less to expect

And yet, I continually find myself asking.

Is it so wrong for someone who is always wrong

To continually search for something right?

I know that I am not worthy, human as I am,

But does that mean that I deserve isolation from happiness?

What happiness is there in separation?

And even if I will never find it, I shall never cease searching

And even if I never taste that bittersweet fruit,

Nor feel the Poison coursing through my veins,

At least the yearning desire, will motivate me

To keep moving, until I drop dead.

Hey there....

So all of the posts that are before this one are things from an old blog that I just wanted to keep before de-activating my other site, because it became warped and stupid... Keep in mind a lot of what I write is sappy crap and I rarely edit or even re-read what I write. It's normally stuff I think about "in the moment" and write down and it probably won't appeal to anyone but myself... haha which is good considering I'm probably the only one who will ever see my blog haha >.>.....

If you read it, I hope you get something from it. If you feel like being negative please keep it to yourself because I am totally aware that I'm sappy, cheezy, and overly dependent on lame rhyme schemes haha. However, if I have a spelling or grammatical error, please feel free to correct me... If your bored I hope something on this site entertains you :) If my writing fails to, please laugh at my profile picture :D

Ballad

I wish I could reach out and touch

everyone that is like me

that knows uncertainty in identity

the strong desire of conformity to society’s definition of normality

the confusion of defining this idea of belonging

I wish I could touch the hearts

of everyone who stands up for themselves

feel your heart pulsing and beating out a rhythm

beautiful and unique to yourselves

and for everyone too weak to stand,

I wish you would take my outstretched hand

and together we would find safety in numbers

together we would discover the sense of belonging

we would find our identity

in this beautiful community

made of people like us, people called adoptees.

You are never alone, love

yes you are never alone

though you know not everyone like you

you must never doubt that there are people like you

who breathe and wonder and dream like you

Don’t every forsake yourself for what society deems right

they’re wrong

they do not possess the right to strip you of yourself

you are beautiful

you are unique.

The origins that shaped you and the people that influence you

they mold you and make you who you are today

but only you have the control to be

to become something great tomorrow

There are times when we doubt ourselves

the ground upon which we stand is not solid

it’s shaking under the weight of the questions that are too burdensome to bear

but you don’t have to bear them alone.

This community of brothers and sisters — we are your family

you are never alone.

You are beautiful and you are unique

every part of who you are is worth keeping forever

No one can tell you who you are or where you’re going

I know you’ll go far but I can’t say how far or where

We all breathe the same air but we feel so strongly about different things

You are special.

you are one person that was made of two worlds.

you are the tie between cultures and histories and people and a swirling mix of diversity

you are like yin and yang two opposites that come together to make a perfect circle

No, this world is not explicitly black and white

the colors are mixed but so are our lives

we cannot be held back by our past, but by our futures

we will change the world when in our future we arrive

yes one day we will change the world,

yes love we will change the world

But while you’re finding your way through the struggles life throws at you

I want you to know that when you fall we will be here to catch you

Yes, if and when you fall

when you’re weak and crippled and forced to crawl

lean on us, lean on me

we’re your very special family and we will help you

fight the constrains on society that tell you to doubt yourself

to wonder and question what’s right and wrong

we can’t tell you the answers but we will help you make the journey to find them

yes life is a voyage and we will be the crew to row you to those

Golden shores of success and acceptance

Yes this is my prayer, my wish

for every single person out there that is like me

that knows what it’s like to live with uncertainty of origin, name, identity

I want to know the rhythm of your heart,

to pluck at your heartstrings and make music from your passions

that will bring joy to your lives and mine

I wish you all this and more

I wish you a life of happiness

and that that happiness with fill your cup

so it overflows with your beauty

and touches the lives of those around you

Reflection (written June 1, 2012)

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

A girl not pretty, but ugly

and plain as can be.

I wish I was taller or shorter

thinner or toned

stick-like or muscular

or satisfied

with the body I own.

I wish the world didn’t see me

as the freckles on my face,

the amount of melanin in my skin

that I try to erase

by scrubbing my flesh

Red Raw.

I want to see Change

anything and everything Changed

but no matter what I do

I can never be You

I’ll never be “it” or “in”

never fit this day’s definition of “thin”

So why do I try?

trapped in a  modern world’s Model-sized cage

so tight I can’t move,

I just cry.

All I want to do is survive

or die.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

a Reflection.

But not mine,

just a world of girls

hurting like me

Yes, that is what I see

everyone wants to look like “Her”

but they feel like Me.